I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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