I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
