so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
