I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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