I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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