she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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