Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
