Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
