tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
