Will you blow on my dice?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
