And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize