My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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