Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
