you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My vagina is officially offended.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
