WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
