tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's shark week go big or go home
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
