How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
