I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
