a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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