i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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