Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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