I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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