why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
