That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
