The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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