i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
