just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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