He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize