So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
