I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
