Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
