She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
