Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
