I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
this just has baby written all over it
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
