I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
