My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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