I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
