I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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