Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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