1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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