i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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