I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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