my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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