K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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