worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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