I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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