is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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