I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
