You made me cry and you don't even care
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
