why didn't you poke me back
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
