I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
