ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sarcasm needs its own font
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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