I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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