I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
