From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
