Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
