And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is my gift to your gina
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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