Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I lost the right to judge tonight
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
