I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
